Today is the day! It was Cal's farewell talk this afternoon. I couldn't help but feel emotional all day long. When I walked in and saw the benches that our families had sat in for the past two and a half years, the spot where I first saw him, the hallways and foyer where we had met and been together for mutual and other church activities... the choir stand where he begged me to do choir for the ward and the stake... it was all really sentimental as I reflected on how much I have grown since I've known Cal and lived out in Queen Creek. And out of all things to get emotional over the actual church building...! Today wasn't going to be kind to me.. and unfortunately I can't control time so it went on, and the meeting started. Kayla got up and gave her talk on agency and accountability, which was brilliant! She always has the best insight.
Then it was Cal's turn. I had already started tearing up before he spoke a word. He cut straight to the chase, of course. It was at the point he started quoting lyrics from I Want to be a Missionary Now from the Primary songbook that made me cry the hardest. And I say cry the hardest, but I only let a few tears fall. But inside I was really fighting it. I don't want him to see me cry. This after all is the best time for his life!
1. I want to be a missionary now.
I don't want to wait until I'm grown.
I want to share the gospel while I'm young,
For I have a testimony of my own.
2. I want to tell my friends about our church
And the happiness it brings to me.
I'll tell them how the gospel was restored,
Tell them how the Book of Mormon came to be.
3. Then I can be a missionary now.
I don't have to wait until I'm grown.
I'll live each day the best that I know how,
And they'll see I have a testimony of my own,
A testimony of my very own.
Yup, this really touched me. Although it is so simple, he was crying really hard, the most I've ever seen him cry. And I know that he's ready to go. He's waited so long, and he can almost touch it. This song was HIS song for a long time, and he's lived his life in such a way that he is worthy and able to serve the Lord for the next two years, but this time with a nametag. He's been a missionary for so long.His talk was perfect, and very spiritually comforting and uplifting.
We were supposed to sing Have I Done Any Good for the closing hymn, but Sister Schaeler would not play that song under these circumstances... she changed it to Called to Serve.
Crap.
Haha! I would definitely lose it during this song. After Brother Cluff sat back down and we began to sang, Sister Schaeler played with so much feeling it was like bearing her own testimony. If the music isn't what did me over, it was the lyrics and the sweet spirit that came with them, and if it wasn't the words, it was the fact that Brother Cluff was bawling in his seat on the stand. He was having a rough day. There was so much of the Spirit's influence in that song... I don't think there was a dry eye in the congregation. I know I sang my heart out.
I had to teach Primary, and my kids were being a bit difficult, the lesson was short and I had to entertain them for half an hour, and they were getting out of hand. I looked out the window at just the right time to intercept Cal walking through the hallway, I mouthed "Help me!" so he popped his head in and got them to be quiet for a little bit, and told me that it wasn't that bad.. he was right, I was overreacting. :)
And after church was over, I walked through the halls that held loads of memories and then walked out the door and went home.. the last Sunday was over, and nothing would really quite ever be the same.
Monday I was put to work! I had to clean basically the entire house for Cal's open house held at my house. I didn't mind all the work though because it would be for him. The hours passed, and the cars came. Again, I was trying not to be all emotional that this would be the last time we'd all be under the same roof for a long time. Silly little things. I put on a smile though, and talked to lots of ward members throughout the night and ate some chocolate to sooth my breaking heart. ;P People came and went, and then eventually it was just our two families walking to the door. This was something I was dreading for a long time. I didn't know if this would be the last time I'd see him or if I'd be lucky enough, no matter how unlikely, to see him tomorrow. And I knew with our families standing around I wouldn't be able to tell him goodbye like I'd want to. But this is how it was going to be... luckily I got a picture with him! And then he was out the door, I didn't even get to SAY the words goodbye!! I was kind of upset, but I was too overwhelmed by every single emotion in the book to really notice it. I just went silent, and we had family prayers and then of course one of the kids prayed that Cal would have a great mission... and that's where I really cried. And if the church building was ridiculous to cry over, I cried over him walking through the door and us smiling at each other as he closed it as he always did. I dunno what my problem was-- getting emotional over a DOOR. But it's my door.
The next day I woke up feeling pretty great. I mean I was a little numb underneath, but if I didn't pay attention to it and was busy with something else I didn't notice. I went throughout the day like any other day. Nothing big or anything of the sort. My mom talked to me and said that she was going over there to give him a farewell gift, and that I should come to. Ahhh this was just what I needed to do! I got ready to go, and we took off. I was tearing up before we even got to his house. I was doing this to myself because I was thinking of all the times I've driven over to his house. Sheesh it was like my brain was replaying memories like he had just died or something! Thankfully he's still alive and well, my mind wasn't acting like it though. :P I even had the audacity to hesitate opening the car door as if maybe I didn't do this he wouldn't leave. Ridiculous. We walk inside his house, and a few seconds later he walks in wearing his suit and tie-- his attire for the next two years, as the stake president is going to set him apart in a few minutes as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. So, we gave him his gift, I gave him a hug, and thanked him for everything he's done for me and with me. And then he closed the door, we locked eyes one last time, and then I heard the door gently close.. and something was different in that moment. I can't put my finger on it, but it was like the noise when an old key in a door finally turns, but I don't know if that meant the door was opening or closing kind of thing. It's bugging me. :P
As we were driving I decided that I was going to be strong throughout all of this and be happy and not think about myself no matter what! This will be a time for me to grow alongside him! There is no reason that I should just waste this time away. Time to get off my booty and to work extra hard. And that is what's keeping me going with all of my missionaries. :) But as we were leaving his street, the stake president was driving up,
When I got home and was getting ready for bed, I had this thought come into my head Doctrine and Covenants 98. So I go and look it up, and sure enough... those first three verses... exactly what I needed. I wrote them down and put them on my wall. Such a beautiful reminder to me.
Last night I BARELY got any sleep. My mind would not shut up! I was considering taking sleeping medicine, but was too tired to go get any. Go figure. ;) plus I don't need meds, just couldn't get comfortable and kept thinking about every little thing in the world. But today was interesting, I woke up early despite the fact that I couldn't sleep. And today I was kind of in shock that Cal is gone, like it didn't really sink in, and I don't think it will until Sunday when he's not at church.
But later in the afternoon I was invited to go to the temple with my friends because it would be Josie's first time doing baptisms! Also such a relief, and again exactly what I needed! A good spiritual distraction. ;) I went over to Josie's house and then Lindsay and Emily came, and we drove and met Lauren up there. There were SO many people there. We made the mistake of going to the Temple the day after it opened up again, and on a Wednesday night when stake groups are assigned to go. But they were so nice and told us that we could come back in an hour and a half. So we went to Nielsen's and got dinner and ice cream. Ahaha I was slightly torturing myself by being at Nielsen's... but it was good closure! And I actually like the place. :) But we sat and talked about cute boys, college, and other teenage girl stuff. I forget how much I love these girls sometimes!! I need my girls! :) So glad I met them in school, and even though we don't hang out all the time I always love it when we do!! They really are a blessing in my life. We went and did baptisms and it was such a beautiful experience to watch Josie do it for some of her own family names! I definitely cried. :) After that we went and got Sonic shakes and then went back home. It was such a great night!! My grandma told me to have something fun planned for tonight, and I didn't think I'd need to, but I really did need that. Thanks girls. :)
But hey, whatdaya know?
I survived July.
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