Today was very emotional for me! I was sitting in my room, pondering my life as I do quite often.. and this hit me like a ton of bricks: IN THREE YEARS I WILL BE TWENTY YEARS OLD. I might as well be dead! That is SO old! I am NOT ready to be twenty!!! Yeah, I still have another three years to go, but these past three years flew right on by so fast, and time continues to pick up the speed... it will literally be here before I know it.
And then I was pondering high school, and how I regret not being friendlier and not putting myself out there enough, and not trying my hardest, etc. And then I thought of all the friendships that I've let slip through my fingers over the past few years... I looked through my junior high and high school memory bags with all of the little knick knacks and papers that I've saved since seventh grade, I was looking at my pictures, and I was so little when I started off: awkward shoulderlength hair that was always in a slicked back ponytail, braces, my tomboy clothes, no makeup, just being my awkward little self trying to navigate through the scary world of Junior High. Then the pictures quickly transitioned, 8th grade I did my hair a bit more, but it wasn't anything spectacular, a little makeup, a little too girly clothes, braces off, etc. Then onto high school and all those fun memories. So far, high school: I have a mixed feeling about it. I hate it because I have to deal with dumb people, but those dumb people make it fun and add flair to those boring and dreary days. But my high school years have been really great!! I've grown SO much, and learned so much about myself and the world around me.. it's been a very surreal experience that's for sure. And to think that in about 200 days, all that I've ever known in life will be coming to an end with an oversized bright purple gown and a rolled up piece of paper... I've always imagined myself graduating and FINALLY being done with high school and moving on with real life... but now that it is actually attainable and so so SO close, I'm not going to lie or trick myself: It's honestly freaking me out. I've never been one to like change. Some things I go with the flow and let nature take its course, but with things like this where decisions will effect the rest of my life.. that's when I become harder to push than an elephant sitting down.
And to make matters worse, my mom whips out an almost seventeen year old VHS. About me. When I was a baby. It was so weird to see how YOUNG my parents were! My mom would have been four years ahead of me right now. THAT'S ME HAVING A BABY IN FOUR YEARS. Holy crap. I am NOT ready to be a mother. She looked so confident and at peace holding me as a little newborn. I could never do that with that amount of ease and peace. And then the camera showed my dad holding me on his chest, and I was fast asleep. My parents were just talking about me, and about life. It was so tender to hear their voices as I have always remembered them. Especially my dad's. He would just whisper my name over and over again. And that was something I needed to hear so desperately, especially today when I felt my life as I know it slipping away. I think it had been fiver years since I've heard my dad say my name....... there are no words to describe how badly I've missed his voice and to see him talking, chilling on the couch with me, just like old times. Man, I miss him.
The video continued for the next three-four months of my life, so I was basically watching myself grow up... yet another surreal experience. It was incredible. I can't believe that I was so small and so innocent at one point. I am SO blessed to have the parents that I have. I love them more than they will ever know, and I am so desperately sorry for how I've treated them in the past. I've decided that it is time to grow up. I thought that I was grown up and mature..... how painfully wrong I was. Life is so funny at times. You think you know all the answers, and that you will stay the way you are... but then it happens: life happens. Last week I thought I knew where I was going. And today I feel young, feeble, immature, and without a clue, all that change within a few hours of being awake. I continued to watch that video and feel my father next to me. It took me back to the days that I didn't even know I took for granted. Isn't that a shame.. I didn't even realize that I took those quiet Sunday afternoons in our small houses on Nielson, Milburn, and Abbey... smelling dinner cooking in the crock pot, hearing my dad whistling the church hymns that were playing from the DVD player above the entertainment center, my mom cooking pinwheels for breakfast, me wearing my white buckle up church shoes with those socks with the ruffles on top, entertaining my baby brothers while my mom ironed my dad's white shirt and tie for granted...... it all seems like an old story that they told me long enough to believe.
I'm gonna ruin that spiritual tidbit by writing about the rest of my day: went to church. talked about the 2,060 stripling warriors. talked about being date-able. got two new girls in our ward. learned how to fishtail braid. went to a stake youth fireside. yup.
August 27th
Last day of being 16. I think I am more excited about my last day of being 16 than I am about my first day of being 17. Probably because whenever I'm asked, "How old are you? Oh, 16?! That is SO exciting! So you drive? You can date now! Isn't that great! How many dates have you been on?? Oh. Only two? Well, that's okay your time will come! You're not the dating type anyhow, not that that is a bad thing! But seriously only two? What else do you do with your spare time? Oh you blog.. and you listen to music... interesting. Well, I disliked my teenage years anyhow! You'll be my age before you know it!" Oh thank you kindly, random citizen for basically throwing any hope I have of getting anywhere in life away. Sweet. Because I don't hear EXACTLY what you just said to me every time family gathers together, whenever we have a church function, etc. But I'm not bitter. ;) Haha I just want to know what makes me less desirable than the air-headed silly girls who don't know how to correctly use the right your, you're, or yore. Sorry that I am apparently not "the dating type", but that's okay. Let the popular youth have their fun, no worries. I'll just be sitting back here not getting out of my awkward stage.. not like you all were supposed to help with that or anything.
But yeah, Sam again brought up that I've only been on two dates... what's your deal, kid?! Haha! I honestly don't care that I've only been on two dates. I'm too busy to date anyhow. I really shouldn't be blogging out my feelings right now, I should be doing my other homework, but this is what people like me do. We read books, we play piano, we blog, we sew, we cook, we eat peanut butter by the spoonfuls.... yup. I don't party or drink on the weekends, and that is a fact that I am very proud about. I am glad I'm a good girl. Really truly. But sometimes, us good girls don't get what we deserve when we want it. Who hears me? Who is with me on this one? Because sometimes I feel all alone. Forever Alone. ;P
The rest of my day went rather "swimmingly", as Lauren would say. Now I'm just waiting for dinner while listening to Coldplay and wiping the tears from my eyes.
But yes. I am now looking forward to avoiding the "16 Questionnaire". It's getting old. Just like me. Gah! I can't get away from that.
August 28th
BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. I kid you not, it was seriously amazing!
First off, I had no homework the entire day! Always a great present. :)
I got candy in 3rd hour for being born, got best friend status with my English teacher for making a Lost reference and explaining Lost to my whole class, I gave an amazing devotional in Seminary, my whole Seminary class sang to me, took pictures at my sister's first badminton game, I was getting texts literally every two seconds wishing me Happy Birthday, my mom made me cinnamon muffins for breakfast and I didn't even have to ask, and then when I got home she made a cake, cookies, AND cupcakes, I got letters and presents from family and friends, some girls I babysit for called me and SANG to me on the phone (sooooo adorable!), ate at Texas Road House for the first time in my life and I looooved it, and here is the best part:
THE TROTTERS CAME AND SURPRISED ME!!!!!! :D :D :D :D
Yet again! I was bummed out all day because I realized that it's been a whole YEAR since I've seen them, and considering that our families would hang out every single weekend when we were kids... that's a downright shame that it's been THIS long! So earlier in the day, I texted Brian saying that I was gonna fix that and that I was going to visit them tomorrow, he said he couldn't and I got kind of sad.. they didn't even make an effort! :(
What I didn't realize was that my mom had secretly planned for them to come over!! That sneaky little girl! Well, it just about made my life when Gracie walked into Maizey's room and gave me a hug! I literally freaked out and ran downstairs to see ALL of them in my kitchen! I was already holding back tears and I grabbed the first four people I saw (Allison, Lucy, Gracie, and Caleb) and hugged them!! I even hugged Caleb, now that is saying something! ;) Haha! Then I saw Brian... I was doing a pretty good job of holding back tears until I saw him. I gave him the biggest, longest hug I've ever given before! There are only two I've given like that, and they've both been to him: once at my dad's funeral, and then five years later on my 17th birthday. I just stood there and cried into his shoulder. I was sooo happy and soooo thankful to see him again! I am the only one who can make Brian cry. That's pretty impressive. ;) I let go after what seemed like ten minutes, and looked around and my parents and Allison were crying. It was so tender!! :) Words cannot describe how much love I have for the Trotters. They have done SO MUCH for my family, and I love everything about them. They are so giving, so kind, so hilarious, and so close to my heart. It felt like I was home for the first time in five or six years. Having Brian around always makes me feel my dad close by. After wiping my tears off and catching up on everyone's life and ages (they are all sooo much older now! Caleb is going on a mission in two years.. THAT hit me!!) Later me and Caleb were up in my room just talking about our childhood and all the crazy/dumb stuff we did that we thought was hilarious. We talked about all of our inside jokes and vacations and funny moments... there were a lot!! Thank goodness. :) I love Caleb! He is so great! I'm so glad that we're such great friends. We don't even do much, other than sit around in each other's rooms and talk and just be ridiculous:
- Minty Tongans
- The three fat guys smooshed in the tiny red truck laughing so hard that it shook the truck
- TPing and Ding Dong ditching every house in his neighborhood
- Taylor..... :P
- Going to the lake!
- Putting Taco Bell hot sauce packets under car tires
- Playing in the flooded green belt every time it rained
- Caleb and the Campers, Maizey and the Muffins, Gracie and the Grapes, Bentley and the......
- Naaman singing Hannah Montana in the black ballerina suit and doing the splits.. on camera!
- Going over EVERY New Years and lighting fireworks, and New Years Day at Chase Field and the Science Center
- All those trips to Mexico and their beach house, and hiding the bag of licorice which we NEVER found! 8 years later..
- Camping at least once a month, playing softball and horseshoes
- Just sitting in Caleb's room talking and saying dumb things
Good material for 17 years of friendship, I think. ;) For some reason, he is the only guy I can be my complete self around and be totally comfortable because we're both the world's greatest dorks.
But anyways, the night seriously made my life!! I have the greatest friends and family anyone could ever ask for.
Honest. :)
August 29th
Well, today is NOT my birthday.. it's sad how a birthday is only one day out of the year.. and I already had my half birthday obviously.. maybe I should have quarter birthday celebrations.. that would be so much more fun. Well, everyone who missed my birthday yesterday, wished me a happy one today.
Tonight I go and give a quick lesson on Integrity for YWs. Wish me luck!. . .
Before that, I went to the Freshman football game to take pictures! It was super cool. I like having authority to walk on the field and get in their faces with my HUGE lens and be all professional looking... that is until my so called huge lens gets a HUGE black thing in the reflector and puts a nasty looking smudge mark on over half of my photos... but it's okay! They can be fixed with a quick run through Photoshop and my favorite: the clone stamp tool. <3 this tool saves my life. Twice.
Turns out, I am pretty beast at teaching. What can I say? ;) Haha just kidding, I wasn't super amazing or anything, but I think I got my point across fairly painlessly. I told them about the 2,000 stripling warriors and how they fought with a desire to do good, how we should be doing the same, how to bring hope to others by living our lives with a focus on integrity, etc. I told my story about when I was 6 and I stole rocks from the Fiesta Mall (the same one in my Hero essay). It was a bit silly, but I think they got it! The only part I didn't like so much was that Maizey was being so rude when I was teaching her group. Basically with the attitude that because I'm her sister, she didn't have to respect what I was saying to her as a teacher kind of thing. So when I was in the middle of bearing my testimony and trying not to cry a little... Maizey whispers across the room "Bentleyyyy!! Doo youu have Chapstiiccckkk?? My liipps hurt reall badddd!!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I had to stop and tell her off. Sorry other girls, but it was not cool that she was totally being disrespectful. Sorry. :P
Other than that, I've gotten a lot better at teaching! Yesterday, I gave a pretty awesome Devotional without having a paper in front of my face (other than the scriptures), which is just super awesome because I've always dreamed of being able to do so, and guess what? If you pray about it and practice, no matter how silly your request, He answers it. I just love that. :)
August 30th
Today we had the missionaries over for dinner! Okay.... this is weird, but I think that Elder Nielson is the CUTEST thing ever! In the super dorky/awkward way. He is so fun to watch at church, I KNOW that that sounds suuuuuper creepy, but he is just so funny! He's almost ready to go home, but he's still in that awkward new missionary stage. He stands with his hands in his pockets, kind of hunched over, always has this twinkle in his eye, I don't know! Maybe it's because he's just always SO happy! Anyways, it's always fun having them over. The other comp. whose name always slips my mind... he always looks like he's kind of disgusted to be anywhere at any given time. I don't blame him. It's Queen Creek, AZ. I wouldn't be all that thrilled either! ;) But they are total opposites and it's quite amusing to see them together. Anyways, Jo always likes to show off to whomever we may have at out house, and this time he brought out his binder of drawings and was showing them off to Elder Nielson and it was so cute! Jo is so cute! :) He was explaining to them his drawings and what they were, etc.
They challenged us to pray for missionary experiences, which sounds like a good idea! Because last time I prayed for one, I met Nash! And that was a while ago, so I should probably start praying for that again. :) Especially since I'm getting better at speaking to people and teaching and whatnot. I know it sounds like the dorkiest thing that I pray for opportunities to talk to people and make friends, etc. But it's just something I do and I've noticed because of that, I'm a lot happier this school year that I ever have been in any of my other years and it's simply because I talk to people, and I'm their friend. CRAZY. I know. Who knew?
August 31st
Oh my goodness. Is it ALREADY the end of August?? It seems like I always say "Holy dang! It's already September!" every month. Or every year? But it seems like every month because time flys by SO fast. Aaaaand it's Friday! Which just makes me happy :) Today we got to play with modeling clay in my art class: Professional Facial Sculptor is OUT of my future career options. I'm actually not that bad at it, probably given the right face. But I tried to sculpt Ansel Adams (famous North American landscape photographer), and he looked like Hitler, but with a round face. Luckily, today was just a practice round, so round-faced Hitler isn't going to be on my project. ;) But he looked really creepy, to put it that way.
DOCTOR WHO SEASON 7 IS STARTING TOMORROW. OHMYGOSH. I am so excited! Apart from the fact that I do not have the BBCA channel (dumb Brits).. And it's a three day weekend! Oh this is Christmas! ;)
Yearbook is getting better. I actually don't mind not having to design each and every template. She just gives me a very VERY basic sketch of what she wants it to look like, and then I go ahead and make it even better! So, I'll be content and happy with that. I lost my flashdrive. But it was found! I didn't even realize it was missing until last night, but it turns out Ramirez had it all this week and apparently I told him that I didn't want it? Haha whatever.. I was probably zoned out doing yearbook stuff. :P Oops. But it's annoying having to run back and forth to do Photoshop work constantly for that class. I just wish that Yearbook could get the license!! :P I still need to beg and plead for that apparently.
Lauren came over!! :D we went to Chipotle and got a baby sized burrito, got QT, and then ate at my house and watched The Walking Dead... very morbid yet strangely addicting... I couldn't keep my eyes off of it. Then we Smashbooked and it was all a huge lovely mess, which is still there.. haha. We were going to have Sam come over because the original plan was to eat, and then Smashbook, and then go to the first home football game of the season.. but then we got a food coma and didn't feel like being outside and sweating.. so we watched zombie TV shows instead. Naturally. We had lots of fun! :) Always a great time with Lauren! <3. Oh yeah, and then Sam got "mono" in five hours, apparently. :P
The rest of my family went to the cabin this weekend, so it's just us girls at home!! :) And they actually left us some food this time. ;)
September 1st
I got the desk I wanted for my birthday yesterday, and I had to build it. So I was up until one building my desk! Twice. I built it backwards, and forgot a piece in the legs.. but it turns out that it's still sturdy so hopefully it won't collapse. Knock on wood. :P However, it was a nice bonding experience with my new desk, and it looks amazing. :) I've been needing a desk for almost two years now! It's about time. ;) But I'm so proud of myself that I built it without ANY help from anyone else! :D My future husband is gonna have a beast wife, what can I say? ;)
I woke up at 7 and stayed awake! Weird. Probably because I don't have school on Monday, I have an extra few hours to myself. It's so crazy how a two hour sleep can make your day totally different. I LOVE being awake early and getting a few more hours of stuff in, but it's just so hard sometimes to get out of my comfy bed. (I have the comfiest bed in the house) So I cleaned up my messes from the weekend, and then I played piano, did more of my online class, rearranged my room, and then I babysat the Caldwell kids. Hadley was actually dare I say excited to go to bed? Haha she was bouncing around when I was walking her to her room, and then smiled when I turned off the light. WEIRD. And then Blake, he says the cutest things at the most random times, he said, "Bentwee, you are da best babysitta everw!!" with his huge blue eyes staring at my without blinking, almost all the way underneath his covers. AWW! Bonus points for you! :) I think he also wanted me to kiss and hug him goodnight, but I didn't haha. I swear he has a little crush on me! Haha he'll always sit on my lap, and play with my hair and talk and talk and talk, and try to show off when I'm around. He is so adorable! Anyways, it turns out that they do not have the BBCA channel... so while all the other cool Whovians were celebrating and watching the season premiere.. I was watching My Fair Wedding with David Tutera.... go me! :P I can watch it on Friday at Lauren's house I suppose. But I'll miss the second episode, too because I'll be in California next weekend!!
When I got back, me and Kami filled out a Dating Application sent from none other than Zach Bishop.. haha it's so funny because we were just talking about when he comes home if he'll ask us on a date or something. And then we get a RM Dating Application that is four pages that he wanted us to fill out and send back.. oh dearest me. ;) But it was a lot of fun! Some of the questions were weird, but it was a laugh! And then on the back, there were four squares that read "Happy Kiss", "Sad Kiss", "Romantic Kiss" and "Excited Kiss"....
uhhhhhhh...
hold up!
Haha! I don't know if I'll do that.. there was a question that said "Describe your lips" and other various kissing questions.. haha how am I supposed to know? I'm NBK and proud of it! ;)
Excerpt from Sparklife: Identifying the Typical Atypical Teenage Girl... scary accurate...
- The TATG dressed up to go to the midnight premiere of the last Harry Potter movie, cried at the end, and tried to cast spells on everyone around her for the next two days with a wand she bought online.
- The TATG has a strict jeans-and-T-shirt dress code.
- The TATG has NBK.
- If for some reason the TATG is found listening to pop music or reading trashy books, she will hide under her bed in shame for approximately sixty-four hours.
- The TATG is a band geek, math geek, theater geek, computer geek, or just a plain ol’ geek.
- In public the TATG is a regular church mouse, but in private, with her friends, she’s extremely boisterous and hyper.
- The TATG dislikes people who act fake for popularity purposes.
- The TATG consumes books at an unhealthy rate.
- She’s a huge fan girl to an obscure band or TV show, possibly a foreign one.
- When she discovers someone she knows is also a fan, she will consider him/her a kindred spirit.
- The last time the TATG was caught up with all the gossip at her school, she was in third grade.
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