These Times

Feb 10th - 16th

Sunday morning I had BYC. Which is always a good time. I kind of opened up a can of worms at the meeting about cell phone use in church... let's just say the house was divided... but Bishop and a few others liked what I had to say about a few different topics, so I guess it wasn't all that bad. But if people are getting upset with real issues, then that's a whole 'nother issue. I just say what I observe and know to be right and I speak it with inspiration, so if they get mad at the messenger then that's cool, too. :P But anyways, it was a good meeting and I think we got more accomplished today than we normally do!
The rest of the day went by pretty fast. I found out that Sister Nielson is moving to Texas in June and we won't be able to see her baby.. :( Hopefully she'll come back and visit with her baby!
Kami's open house was a little heartbreaking. People came and went and you realize that life goes on as you watch the slideshow of childhood pictures... I felt like I've known her my whole life, and it was just weird to be reminded with pictures that I wasn't there in most of those pictures. But the ones I was in or was there for, it was a sweet memory. Katie came over and surprised me! We talked for a while but she had to go home early because it was getting late. I'm starting to get overwhelmed with the responsibility I know I'll be inheriting shortly.. I hope that I can manage it all as gracefully as she did. The Cluffs also dropped by for a bit, and Kimi wrote a note to Kami just telling her that she'll miss her.. later Kimi comes up to me and says, "I wrote a note to Kami, and a P.S. to you. You need to read it!" confused on why she wrote the P.S. to me on Kami's card rather than just writing me my own, I read it. She wrote, "P.S. Bentley - have your lap ready for me next Sunday." I read that and it just about broke my heart! Not only am I having to help out more around the house, but I'll need to take care of Kimi, and the rest of my siblings... it was so sweet to know that she is loving enough to move onto me, but at the same time I was like, Okay, I'M your second choice, alright. :P But then I thought, if people turn to me in times of their need and heartbreak, I should feel honored that they choose me over anyone else. It's all a matter of how you look at the situation. And that is one of the many lessons I'll have to learn this year:

1. Patience
2. Responsibility
3. Forgiveness
4. Charity
5. Loyalty
6. Perspective

It's going to be a tough year to grow, but I know that if I turn to the Lord, as I have been, He will bless me and be there for me in times of weakness.

On Monday I just didn't feel like waking up or going to school.. I just wanted to stay at home and get my last fill of Kami.. but mty parents are not very sympathetic towards that kind of stuff. So instead I just moped all day and it wasn't the best choice. :/ My days are totally fine until about 4th hour rolls around, then I just get so depressed.. I don't know why I do that every single day. It's really annoying and even harder to stop. When I get home I'm fine again though. As our last family night, we went and saw Wreck it Ralph which was so good! Before they had the Pixar short, "Paperman" which was ADORABLE. It made me cry. Pixar: 1 Bentley: 0. It was about a guy at a train stop with a stack of papers in his hands.. one blows and hits a girl next to him in the face, and it leaves her red lipstick mark on it.. he totally falls in love with her, but then she hops on the train without him seeing.. he goes to work and sees her in the building across the street waiting for an interview.. he takes the remaining stack of papers and folds them into airplanes and flies them across the street in an attempt to catch her attention.. time goes by and every single airplane just barely misses her. The girl is about to leave the building, and the only paper left is the one with her lipstick on it.. he folds it and it slips out of his hand before he can aim and throw... she leaves the building and he feels all hope is lost. His boss threatens to fire him, but he jumps up and leaves to go find her before he can. As he tries to run after her, his lost paper airplanes fly through the air and guide him to where she is.. the one with her lipstick on it finds her and leads her to him at the train stop... and THEY FIND EACH OTHER AND FALL IN LOVE. Oh my goodness. It made me cry like a baby. I am such a hopeless romantic and a sucker for oldtime romance.. It was so adorable and tender.

On Tuesday I was still in a bad mood... :( I am coming to terms with her leaving.. it still scares me so bad to even think about walking past her empty room, or wanting to tell her something funny about my day and she isn't there to hear it... oh man, it breaks my heart. The responsibility is really weighing down on me... it's like my childhood is being taken away from me again.. Kami really was the best part about my day, she always found a way to make my life a little brighter, and I'm afraid that I'll go back to my old dark self without her by my side. I don't want that at all, and I'm trying to work on that, but it's really hard when you can count on your fingers how many hours she has left before she's set apart. Well, that hour came and so did the Stake President.. Toby was telling him that Kami was the first to go, and then holding back tears, said, Then we have Bentley next, and then shortly after Porter... and that made me cry... I don't even know why.. it was a bittersweet cry. I guess that's how I knew he really cared about me. I always knew, but it made the man cry. The moment he laid hands on her head, I felt this overwhelming feeling of peace, so strong that it even relaxed my whole body. It was incredible. And I can't even fully describe it. I had this numbing sense go through me, and I knew that even though this is going to hurt really badly, it will all be okay and that I will be able to step up to the plate and carry on. I feel like a part of that blessing was for me. In my prayers, I felt that I felt so happy that instead of counting down the days since I've seen/heard from her, how lucky am I to have something to look forward to. And lately I've been doing the opposite.. always thinking my life is so boring and I have nothing to look forward to, everything good is too far ahead of me and I can't be happy until that happens... not so. I can and I will be happy from now on.

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013.. the day I have been fearing for 80 days has finally come. And I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye yet, even if it is only for 18 months. Thankfully, there were about 15 other missionaries and their families at the gate waiting to say goodbye for as long as we did.. it helped and comforted me to know that I am not the only one going through this, that there are at least 100 other people within 20 feet who are feeling the exact same things as me. I found myself getting to know these sweet missionaries and their families for about an hour, and then crying with them as we all said goodbye to our missionaries. It was the strangest experience, but I felt like I had a HUGE family all there to support me. Everyone was so kind and supportive.. Kami was able to meet her friend Syndi Frost who is (surprise, her dad was my freshman english teacher!!) also going to her same mission. That was a tender mercy that she was able to meet up with her and know someone... I hope that Sydni will be able to take my place and give her the comfort and strength she needs.. The time finally came for our last goodbyes.. I just hugged and held onto Kami for as long as I could.. I thanked her through my tears for all that she has done for me... and we just cried and cried.. I watched her walk through security and onto her gate until her white shirt disappeared.. I kept thinking that this can't be real.. it was so strange to just walk off without her.. but I know now that all is well, and that she will be so blessed for doing this great duty. I still can't believe she is gone. I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, only to find out that it is Porter.. I walked past her room on the way to mine and nearly lost it just glancing in.. The rest of the day went through waves of difficulties.. at some points I'd just lose it, and then other times I'd be totally fine... it's settling in that she really is gone... I'm just thinking of it as she's always at work... which is the truth, but I just assume that she's here at night, wakes up before me and is in her room before I go to sleep... and that's helping out a bit because I am used to that routine.. I just really wish that I could pick up the phone and text or call her about every little thing going on in my life. I hope the next 18 months keep me SUPER busy and that I'll have no time to think about anything else but work, school, and a mission.. I need to be kept busy in order for me to keep from getting really depressed. Yay!
I went to Mutual later that night, and I was proud of myself because I was planning on not going due to a possible emotional state I'd be in, but it turns out, it was a chill activity, only me and three other girls showed up so it was calm and quieter than most of our activities, and I was just happier there than I would have been at home by myself. I love those girls and my leaders. :)

Thursday was ROUGH. I did not want to be at school at all, I just wanted to be at home sleeping.. I was miserable all day long.. I hated being like that, but I need at least a few days to my quiet self so I can think things through and get over it... but it was a deep kind of thing.. I spaced out through all of my classes and I wasn't really distracted from Kami's absence, which is what I was hoping for to keep me sane. But as the day went on, I got a little better.. I just hope that I can shake this soon because I'm tired of feeling sad!!

The weekend came, and that was sad.. I had Katie over and that REALLY helped me forget about things. I love that girl!! We watched a ton of cheesy 80's movies, ate goldfish and pizza, just like we normally do. I so wish that we lived closer and could hang out more, for whatever reason she makes me so happy and can make me forget about all the bad things in my life, she is an amazing friend!! :)

Saturday morning I woke up, and I decided that from right then and there I would be happy, I would be responsible, and I wouldn't let anything get me down!! I saw on Stacie's Facebook that Kimi and Boyd were going to be competing at the QC's Got Talent show, and I really wanted to go, but that would be kind of weird to show up and sit by myself in the back and then talk to them afterwards because the PAC does assigned seating and they probably got their tickets together... but later she texted me and invited me to go, and I couldn't say no! So I took Jo with me, I love having one on one time with him, he is the cutest!! We headed over there about 20 before it started, and there wasn't assigned seating! Yay! I see Stacie at the front of the crowd waiting at the door for the ushers to let us in.. I saw my 2nd cousin Gayle there with her daughter Torie, and the Palmer kids were there, too! Cal came over and grabbed me and Jo and let us get in line with them.. so we talked for about half an hour before they actually opened the doors. I sat next to Cal and Jo and watched the performances.. I thought it'd only be like and hour and a half, two hours thing... no it was definitely close to three and a half! I had to leave early to get to Lauren's regionals performance out at Mountain View HS. Kimi sang I'm Wishing from Snow White, and she was even wearing a Snow White outfit, and she was so cute!! Boyd sang You Raise Me Up, and he was so good, too! There was a lot of talented kids there, and there was also a lot of straaaaange acts... some were uncomfortable to watch.. :P There were two old guys who sang old country songs, and I think that they were my favorite!! I don't need to see 13 year old girls with hardly any clothes on dancing across the stage to a bad song... it's just not good entertainment!! It was funny, when Boyd got up on stage the emcee asked him where his family was, he couldn't see us, so we started clapping... then I realized that I am not a part of his family.... but I clapped anyway (and I even wrote this as "us" and "we"... my goodness! Haha but I  would love to be a part of their family, that's for sure! I think they like me better than my own family likes me.) I had to take off early to get to Lauren's performance, and I felt bad because I didn't get to see the winners, but I had them keep me updated... it turns out neither of them made it to the actual talent show... :( but they won in my heart!!
Sam and Ryan came and picked me up at my house to go over to Mountain View... we almost didn't make it on time!! We got there about 4 minutes before the doors close! We had to sit in the back, and I could barely see the top of Lauren's head with all the other cellos.. I was BLOWN AWAY by the music. I could not believe that high school kids - kids MY age - were playing this advanced number of songs!! Oh my goodness, it sounded professional. And I was SO proud that I knew someone up there, I was so proud of Lauren! I know she had been working hard to get to this point, but I never thought it was that hard of work, especially since they had only seen their music a day prior to the performance. It was incredible. I was almost in tears listening to the music, and that only happens when I listen to church songs! Later, Lauren came and sat with us while we listened to the band players and the choir.. and they were really good, too! I knew more choir singers than anyone else, but they were still great - didn't beat orchestra, though! ;) After the performances were over, we went to Icebergs and got a shake, and then went home. I felt so good today, it was a nice break from feeling so overwhelmed with negative emotions. Hopefully I can have more days like this more often, and especially learn how to be happy without influences or events from others.