I think I might start doing one big week post. Because I think I am posting too much stuff. Oops.
I'll start officially on Sunday.
June 20th
Today was weird. I just love Wednesdays, and so I usually wake up earlier on these days. Don't ask me why. I have no clue. It's just another one of the many weird things I do. But I don't care.
Anyways. I had my Senior yearbook pictures taken today!! I am always kinda iffy on studio portraits, mainly because they're so stiff and not personal, and they all look the same, ya know? Anyways, so we drove down to Mesa to get them taken. I thought I was only getting maybe 2 photos... no. It was like a full on photo shoot! So weird! My photographer Drew was really chill though, he made it fun. :) I saw one of the kids who harassed me last year getting his pictures taken, too. He harassed me even from afar! Haha! I actually miss them all... even though they were druggies and scary gangster, they were fun! Is that weird? Probably because I consider them better friends than anyone else in my classes. Even though I hated that class for the most part, I looked forward to see how they would bully me the next day. "it's only bullying if you let it bother you!" kinda deal. ;) I got to wear my brand new shirt from Tilly's! I was so excited to get it on Tuesday. <3 It is SUPER adorable. Heck, I am super adorable. ;) jkjk.
It's so weird to think that NOW I'm officially a Senior... I never thought this day would come. I always talked about being a Senior, and I've always wanted to be one since 6th grade. But I don't feel old enough to be one! I know that technically I'm not even old enough to be one, but still! Do other Seniors feel this way? That you're still a little Freshie in some aspects? I have COLLEGE next year! Holy dang! I'm so not ready! I am, because I'm so done with high school, but at the same time I am still too little to go to college!! I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet, where I'm gonna go, how I'm gonna pay for it all... and this is my LAST SUMMER. Oh my gosh! Where did all the time go?! I don't want to grow up. :( I know it's inevitable, and it's gonna come sooner than later, and there is no way that I can procrastinate that.. "I miss the good old days when all I had to worry about was long division and when the next Harry Potter movie would come out" ~ Max King. SERIOUSLY! I couldn't have said it better! Take me back to the 3rd grade when life was good, when I had buck teeth, when I wore GIANT sneakers, when I had forehead bangs and a bob! Ahhh! I don't even know what to think anymore. Life is already here. And I don't know if I'm ready!
It's all one big contradiction with me. I'm ready, I'm not ready. I'm excited, I'm nervous. I'm so done with high school, I haven't done half the stuff I wanted to do...
And now I'm kinda sad that high school isn't everything it's cracked up to be. I knew it wouldn't be. But I just wish I would have done more. But at the same time, I really don't care! Goodness.
Will I ever win in an argument against myself??
Nope.
We had Mutual later, my favorite part of the week! :) I made the GC Slideshow, and now it was time to present my work. I hate doing that. I really don't like showing people what I can do. I know I'm good at this kind of stuff, and it scares me. Kinda. I don't even know how I feel!! Aahh! So frustrating! People think I have it all together. On the outside? Perhaps. On the inside? I'm an emotional over thinking bomb on the verge of exploding!! Anyways. Everyone LOVED the slideshow. I know people love everything I create. But for some reason I still doubt my abilities when it comes to getting other's approval. Which is normal. But being a creative genius, I still do that for somethings. If it's Yearbook, I am totally confident in myself and my abilities. It's who I am. But.... ah I can't even explain myself! It's so frustrating. Why can't I be normal? Oh yeah. Because I'd probably be even more insane. That's right. Whoever is gonna end up with me for the rest of eternity is gonna have to be extremely amazing to deal with me. :)
But I'm not even that bad!! ............. I'm gonna stop now.
June 21st
I woke up late again today. There was nothing to look forward to. I know, that sounds really bad. I have been having some WEIRD dreams lately. Last night, I ran 126 laps on the inside of the gym at the church building. Then the floor separated and everyone in my ward was there on the stage. These minivans took loads of people in them, and we all drove to the center of the earth underwater in the cars! The inside of the earth was much bigger than the outside, and it was all white and so pretty! The floor looked like ice stones and there were all these strange plants that were growing out of the floor, and out of the mountainsides. And I kept thinking that none of this was possible! It was kinda Avatar landscape, but all white and covered with what looked like ice and snow. Weird, huh?
Anyways, Lauren decided to come over today! We talked about boys, painted our nails, bought fabric to make a dress, drank water, ate oreos, and just talked some more! She is just great! :) I wish she could've stayed longer, but she had a YCL meeting. For their GC that I can't go to! But that's okay. I'm gonna be in a cabin anyways. My Grandparents just bought a cabin in Forest Lakes, so we're gonna head up there in about 2 weeks for about 2 weeks... we'll see how this goes...
Being at home with only 5-6 of us is making me really depressed. I have no one to entertain, it's completely quiet for the most part, I have no one to talk to... It's just a huge change for me! I have decided that I want a big family so stuff like this won't happen. I know I'll probably take that back later when it does happen, but I am SO BORED. All the time. I have literally almost nothing to do. I want to read something. Too bad I've read everything in my house and I'm too lazy to go to the library. Wow, I am awesome. :P
Anyways, I've been bored out of my mind. I've actually been getting stuff done. I don't like it. And it's making me sad because I know that we're gonna be losing people in my family one after the other. I've been feeling the dreaded "replaced" feeling. I get too attached to a few people, and inevitably, they leave. And people wonder why I am quiet. I don't want to get attached to people because I get replaced/the leave/I leave, etc. Things change and I cannot get over that. I've hit a rough spot in life. I should've known that my happiness wouldn't last forever! I was just super sad sitting at Fileberto's with only 5 of us. I am usually always around huge amounts of people. And now I'm not. And that number will always be decreasing before it increases. I'm gonna lose Kami soon, then Porter, and then maybe I'll leave in the next 4-5 years... who knows? And then I'm worried about the rest of the kids because us 3 are the main ones and we're all gonna be leaving in the next couple of year(s). And it's really sad. I don't feel like it's time yet. It'll be hard to make the most of it when I know what's coming. I know I should change my attitude about these things, but I know the feeling of replacement and loneliness all too well. And they always come back. :(
June 22nd
I had another weird dream last night. I forgot what it was about, but all I know is that I was feeling heartbroken and jealous. And that is gonna contribute to the overall turn out of my day I can tell right now. All I can listen to is sad love songs, and write sad little blog posts that no one reads. My mom just left to go to Flagstaff for the weekend. Of course she would leave on the weekend I need her most! Gah. Should've seen THAT one coming. Duh. Me being unconditionally sad usually only happens rarely, but when it does it's because I'm alone for too long. :( I'm not even alone! I still have 2 brothers here. But I think they're leaving to go to friends houses today. Then I'm babysitting some cousins later tonight. At my old house. Goodness. I'm out of it. Not myself. And that makes me sad, too. There is no way out! :P
I should get my online class done. But nothing is motivating me right now. I just wanna sleep. And Paradise by Coldplay just came on. I just want to start today over? Please? :(
I should be allowed a sad day every once in a while. My mom is getting better at being sympathetic. I still have to tell her sometimes to give me a hug or something, but she is getting better. I just need a hug right now. Caleb REFUSES to give me a hug. Jonah smells weird and hasn't changed his clothes in like 2 days. Mom is gone..... and only one person I know of can give me a hug that will turn my day around completely and I'll be so happy again.. but that person is not here right now. :/
June 23rd
I WOKE UP TO THE SWEET SOUND OF MY LITTLE SISTER PESTERING ME TO WAKE UP! And I didn't even throw a pillow at her!! Ahhh! They are all home!! :) :) :) <3!! I'm so happy they're all back, finally! It's been waaaaay too long! And to celebrate, I took Maizey out shopping and to the movies. Yup. What a great sister, right? ;) Oh, how I've missed her! I didn't think I would admit it to her, but I think she got the memo from all the sticky notes I left on her desk. Could have also been from the huge hug I gave her when I leapt outta bed. Maybe. Anyways, we went and saw Mirror Mirror, which I have already said is the BEST MOVIE EVER. I got her to love it, too. Success. I love how we think the same things are funny, because not too many people see the humor in the things I find hilarious, except for her and sometimes my mom. :) And finally, all TEN of us were under a roof at the same time, and it wasn't even for church and we were all awake! :D But then Kami took off. And that kinda went down from there. Just kidding. I was so happy that we were all back together! Like a movie! A really boring, weird movie. ;) We bought 2 shirts for twenty bucks that were originally gonna cost us like seventy, BUT thank goodness for clearance and patience! haha! When we got home we had Domino's pizza, which reminds me of Yearbook.. :/ but then we had a Sherlock Holmes movie marathon, but I left before the first was finished and watched Lost. I'm rewatching it because I can't watch Prison Break without Kami, and I figured since she's gone for at least 90% of the day, then I might as well do something productive in my spare time. And plus her and Zac are watching Prison Break together now, so who knows when we're gonna get around to finishing it?? We've been watching it since Christmas time, and it's now the middle o' June and we're STILL not done. Remember when Lost took us about a month? Yeah, well PB is only 4 seasons with about 25 episodes in each. Lost was 6 seasons with 40 episodes in each... we went from having NO life, to being super busy. Well, not me, but what can ya do?
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