June 15th
Slow day! All I really did was babysit. That's all I remember doing. Oops.
June 16th
Yet another slow day. Babysat. Yup. At least I'm making money! :) I like to watch documentaries at their house when the kids are all gone to bed. I'm weird, I know.
June 17th
It's Father's Day! For the past 4 years Father's Day has been a bittersweet thing. It's kind of hard giving cards to everyone, but my dad doesn't get anything. Obviously, he can't, ya know, and Cindy didn't get anything for Mother's Day... but we didn't even talk about my dad today. Which was a first. I didn't really even think about him all that much! I feel bad for not thinking about him more, but life keeps moving on and I sometimes (I hate to say this) forget. I see pictures all the time, and I sometimes have dreams, but not having him around has almost become normal. Not saying that I enjoy it or whatever, but this is life now. It's almost been 5 years since my dad died, and my emotions still keep changing. It's hard when blending families for this reason. Some traditions have to be kicked out, others have to be forced in... and knowing that a few summers ago was the last "normal" vacation I would have, I just wish I would have made it better! I just want to be able to talk to my dad, let him know I'm the best I've been and I'm sorry I wasn't this way when he was around. I can't stop thinking that I'll never be able to have those moments with my dad that every other girl gets: teaching me how to drive, loaded gun interview at the first date, getting my future guy's permission to marry me, having a daddy daughter dance at my wedding, him holding my kids, standing in the circle giving them their blessings throughout life, etc. It's those little things that people take for granted that I have to miss out on. I know that he will be there in spirit, obviously, but you can't dance with someone who isn't physically there.... I'm just wondering how the rest of my life is gonna turn out without him.
It also feels like I don't have that father figure in my life anymore... I haven't seen Brian in almost a year, and THAT is one of the hardest things. I hardly see the Trotters anymore. And it hurts. I know they still love me and everything, but we keep drifting further and further apart. And when Brian was the only thing that kept me sane for the first 2 years, and now both of us keep going our separate ways... I don't want to lose them either. :( I've tried everything in my power to keep all of us together, and the rest of our family for that matter, but things change and things are awkward and NOT THE SAME. That's the part that is the hardest for me. Things not being the same. When you're little, and the life you live is all you've ever known, that's who you become and who you are... and then suddenly it's all taken away from you, and you adjust to a different lifestyle to cope, but then that changes as well, so you change again and by now you don't even know who you are anymore because that foundation is crumbling, pieces are there still, but it's not enough room for everyone to live on comfortably, and so you just cope again but this time you know that you need to rebuild your foundation, and the filling is a different color and doesn't look or feel right because it's off balance, but at the same time you like it because it's different and people notice it and how far the remodeling has come in a short time, but you just want it to go back to normal because the original is still in the back of your mind and it's what you're used to, and that original is not what people see.
Sorry about the weird analogy, I got carried away... but my point is, I just wish I was better when my dad was around. I wish I could have those moments. I wish at least some things would stay the same.
June 18th
Another bittersweet day! A year ago today, we were headed home from Nauvoo!! It's soooo sad. But today was SUPER productive. I almost killed myself, I got so much done!
I've had this online class since December... and let's just say it's something that is really easy to forget.. well, I was harshly reminded of this online class, and so I spent SEVEN HOURS on that thing yesterday!! And I'm still only 22% done with the class!!! Gaaaaah! It makes me so mad. I was getting sick from staring at a computer screen for that amount of time. And then I organized my room completely, and did a whole bunch of stuff I needed to get done. It felt SO GOOD to accomplish all that, but by the end of the day, I was soooooooooooooooo tired.
June 19th
Haha. I slept in until 10... oops. That's what I get for being productive!! Imagine if I was productive ALL THE TIME. I would never wake up!! ;) haha but I'm still super super super tired. I didn't do my online class today. I think it's okay for me to skip it today.. I worked on that GC Slideshow ALL DAY. And it's D O N E, DONE! :D I'm soooo relieved that that is done and over with.
I went shopping today for me, and then it turned into shopping for Porter. We got him some lovely stuff at Ross because he HATES going in there. :) I got four shirts. So I'm happy! I also got my shirt I'm wearing for my SENIOR PICTURES TOMORROW. It's crazy! I am NOT old enough to be a senior! Really, I'm not old enough... but age is but a number, I'm mature enough to be in college... but that's it. I'll be in COLLEGE a year from this time. I never thought that this would come so fast. I was just looking at a picture of my buddies from 9th grade, and we would always talk about Senior year, and our Senior crushes, and how it would take forever to get here.... WAKE UP BENTLEY IT'S HERE!! Life is never gonna stop changing, is it?
We went to Sweet Tomatoes, the five of us. (Porter, Garrett, and Maizey are at EFY, Noah is at Scout Camp) and then afterwards, the four of us (Kami went to the Drive Ins with Zac) went to the dollar theater and saw Mirror Mirror.... BEST. MOVIE. EVER. I think it was made for me, honestly. It had every element a cheesy chick flick should have: the smiling tooth shine sparkle, short people jokes, an attractive prince, a Bollywood dance number, etc. I must own this film. My mom thinks I'm kidding, but I'M NOT, but she knows I'm completely serious. Maybe she wants me to be normal. Yeah, maybe..
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